Expert offers anti-bullying tips

INDIANAPOLIS (WISH) - Victims of bullying want to know how to make their tormentors stop. Their parents often feel helpless, wondering how and when to step in. 24-Hour News 8 took those questions to one expert, who helped formulate a plan to keep bullies at bay.

"THEY NEVER STOP"

Inside her home in Muncie, Brittany Upchuich is a happy 12-year-old, with dreams of becoming a veterinarian when she grows up. But every morning, when the school bus shows up, Brittany rides off into a daily nightmare.

"I tell them to stop picking on me," she said, lowering her head. "They just keep doing it."

Even more heartbreaking is the fact that the bright-eyed fifth-grader sometimes can't even hear the bullying. But she can always feel the hurtful words.

"She's bilaterally deaf, so she wears cochlear implants," her mother, Kim Horton, explained. "They tell her she's stupid. She can't hear. She's wearing that device for nothing, and so on and so forth."

Last month came Brittany's ultimatum.

"She got to the point where she didn't want to go to school, because she knew what the next day was going to be," Horton said.

For Horton, the agony over her daughter's situation was quickly followed by frustration.

"I really don't know what to do, or how to go about it," she said. "It's like - what do I do? I'm stuck."

Parenting expert Michelle Gambs Rohen said it's a common feeling.

BATTLING BACK AGAINST BULLIES

"Parents are not helpless," said Gambs Rohen, a licensed mental health counselor and family planning expert in Indianapolis. "They have enormous power. It's just, how do they exercise it?"

Gambs Rohen suggests a checklist of sorts.

Start by talking to your child about bullying.

"But don't use interrogating questions," she said. "That doesn't feel like a dialogue. So, one of the ways to get your children to talk to you is just talk about your day. You can talk about yours if they're hesitant. Maybe: ‘I talked to Grandma today on the phone, then I went to the grocery. How was your day?’"

If your child indicates that he or she is being picked on, Gambs Rohen suggested first helping them learn how to help themselves.

"Coach your child how to handle it. Give them options. Teach them how to assert themselves verbally. Have them practice," she said.

Saying "no" or "stop it", Gambs Rohen said, is better than staying silent. Humor can be an effective weapon too.

"If they're skinny, maybe it's, ‘I come from a long line of praying mantises.’ If they're short, maybe, ‘I'm going to make a great jockey some day.’ It deflects right back and makes them less of a target for doing so," she said.

If that doesn't help, Gambs Rohen suggested a move.

"Change desks. Change rooms. Change times. Stay away on the playground. Do whatever it takes to avoid that confrontation," she said.

If that fails, then it's time for parents to step in.

GETTING INVOLVED

Gambs Rohen suggested starting by talking to the adults closest to your child: teachers and coaches.

"Teachers see that child every day, not administrators who are often far away. Tell them what your child tells you. They need to be informed so they can be receptive and sensitive to that child's requests for aid," she said.

But getting directly involved, at least initially, can backfire.

"Rescuing your child can make things worse," Gambs Rohen said. "You need to be involved from a distance. [That's why] going directly to the bully's parents? I wouldn't do that. But staying out of it completely can be problematic too."

Lana Swoape knows staying on the sidelines won't make the problem go away.

Earlier this month, her 15-year-old daughter, Tori, hung herself inside her Bloomington home. Her mother said it was to escape the torment of bullies at Bloomington High School North. But Swoape said she never told anyone at school that her daughter's bullies were a problem.

"I asked Tori if she wanted me to [talk to teachers at school]," Swoape said. "She begged me not to and said, ‘Mom, you will make it harder on me.’ So I didn't say something to the school. As a mother, that breaks my heart."

Still, even when teachers are aware of the problem, Gambs Rohen said, parents often expect them to make the problem go away.

It's Brittany's parents' chief complaint.

TAKING ACTION

"We've gone to the teachers. I've talked to the principal and superintendent. And the problem hasn't gotten better. I feel like there maybe hasn't been enough discipline [for the bullies]," said Danta Horton.

Individual bullying can be complicated, Gambs Rohen acknowledged. But in many cases, she said, an immediate change in bully behavior is unrealistic.

"Bullying has always been around and will always be around. It happens when the teachers back is turned, or helping another child. [Teachers] will not be able to eradicate it. They can only be sensitive to your child's situation and help influence it," she said.

That's why Gambs Rohen said there's another powerful weapon against bullies that